Posts Tagged ‘Hump Day Heckler’

Hump Day ReHeckler: The Reprised Rants of a Working Class Enemy of Lameness. A Spirit to Behold.

Thursday, January 29th, 2009

Shit, Brewers! How are you going to play me like that, girl?!?

As was the case with most other literate followers of the Brew Brew Dolls, that was – verbatim – my reaction in reading that Milwaukee was most likely done adding parts this offseason. But don’t mistake my sentiment here; my displeasure lies not in Milwaukee’s refusal to sign another recognizable name… quite the opposite in fact.

I’ve actually been largely impressed with the Brew Man Groups’ winter transactions. The Chris Capuano minor league deal was one hinged on pure upside and will undoubtedly see a more than worthy return. The bullpen moves straight up gave me wood – all of them, I’m literally pitching a sequoia over here. Shit mengala, even the arbitration figures (to date) and Fielder signing went over better than I expected.

I’ve been raised to suck the flabby, unimpressive teat of fiscal savvy. It didn’t take DM saying “absolutely not” to Oliver Perez to let me know Milwaukee was absolutely not in on him. Adam Dunn… doubtful. It’s simply in my nature as a fan of this organization to accept past-prime or pre-payday pieces to comprise one unified team that, when fully operational, can flirt with the prospect of being above average.

But sometimes I get greedy and expect my wasted years of emotional attachment to something that gives approximately zero shits about me to be rewarded with the employment of a sideshow, a representation of the proletariat – a fan favorite. And what do we get? Menasha’s own, badass, metalhead, salt of the Earth, gash-slamming, son of a bitch bastard Eric Hinske? No, assclowns, you must’ve forgot Craig “jailbait” Counsell was a free agent. Apparently $1M (plus incentives) is better served for employing a light-hitting tween than it is a left-handed masher with equal versatility. Now Hinske is probably signing with Pittsburgh as I write this, and will taunt me like 15 times this season.

Preseason predictions
Eric Hinske: 15 spuds, 50 ribs, 8 swipes, 6,000 beers, a legacy left.
Craig Counsell: Apt defense, unnecessary eyeblack, Nutcracker performance… and (if it’s a breakout year) maybe puberty.

You mean, I didn't make the team, Skip? (everyone else laughs)

 If anything, I guess this means Brad Nelson will make the team and Casey McGehee will hit the bricks, which shows there are at least glimmers of justice on this unforgiving rock from time to time. How can I be so sure Casey McGehee won’t make the team in January? Because he’s number 52 and is neither a relief pitcher nor CC Sabathia. The only way you’ll hear anything about McGehee come April is if the other four infinitely more capable hotcornermen competitively eat peanut butter, or you attend a Sounds game and Scott Thorman gets the shits for the better part of a month and/or kills someone.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Ben Sheets. As popular as this candle (sincerely lit) light vigil over the 5 percent chance Milwaukee is even interested in Ben Sheets, I am fucking sick of Ben Sheets. Yeah, he was a Brewer. OK, when going well, he can be considered above average. But how often do those two factors warrant a multi-year deal for a cat that makes Chris Carpenter seem durable? I think I know why Milwaukee only won a single playoff game in the past 26 years – 1. Dave Bush is tits city and won that game himself, and 2. The organization lets go of its greatest players too early (and, until somewhat recently, get too little in return) while letting hacks whose throwing arms resemble poorly-made spaghetti to milk a limited payroll and fashion undeserved pedestals to ward over a hardworking fan base brainwashed into thinking they’re top-tier players.

Let Sheets go everyone. You’ll be happy you did. I’d rather be allegedly married to Alcides Escobar than hold my breath for another 2004 from Ben Sheets.

And yeah, I know I misspelled “Deux.” DON’T EVER QUESTION MY ART!!! Oh, and have a good weekend.

- This Heckler brought to you by Tyson Any’tizers. Please don’t bring up our random apostrophe. Adam in marketing said it’d help sell in Santa Fe. Tyson - E’at some ‘’’’Now.’

Hump Day Heckler, the Aftermath of a Berserk Able Bodied Heckler.

Wednesday, September 17th, 2008

Wow, what a difference a week makes. Frank Kremblas – Gone. Ned Yost – Gone. Ted Simmons – Gone. The remaining shreds of my nearly non-existent fanfare for Corey Hart – Gone.

I don’t see how canning Ned Yost really helps the catastrophe that September has been thus far. I didn’t see him lacking plate discipline during an AB, I don’t recall Yost throwing marshmallows down the heart of the plate, or kicking easy grounders and botching double play balls. The only problem I ever had with Yost is his faith in his players. His players that never performed, that is.

So I guess to put in my two cents about the dismissal of Edgar Ned Yost III, I say, it’s a joke. Ned Yost wasn’t a great manager, but he turned around a 100-loss franchise, and helped develop a good core of position players. It seems difficult for the fans to remember the decade before Ned placed his nubile buns on the dugout bench. I don’t think any manager should be done like that with an 83-67 record. It’s fine if the franchise was going to go another direction next year, but they should have let him ride it out. He put in all the hours, he carried the burden of blame, let him ride it out with his team. Win or lose. A little loyalty goes a long way. I am in no way in love with Ned Yost, but I think what happened was rash, and showed a lack of class. I will remember Yost fondly, for the most part. I have no problems with what he did here. But Corey Hart…I have some problems with him.


Seriously. What does it take to shut Corey Hart up? If makes me nauseous enough just seeing his vile Battle Toad lips jump off and on his hideous abomination of a face when he isn’t whining. Then, I have to read his comments on Haudricourt’s blog about what terrible fans we all are because people “boo” them when players do something stupid. I personally don’t agree with fans booing the home team, but I accept it as a part of baseball. And for the people who partake, they definitely have a reason to. Corey, maybe, just maybe, instead of searching around for something or someone else to blame for you swallowing lately, you should turn your repulsive lemur eyes on yourself. Pretty creepy, eh?

I never thought of this before, but our outfield is like a bizarro mirror. Let me explain. In one corner, you have a player who: Is a young, classically handsome professional who says the right things, acts the right way, and is a natural leader who deserved to be an All-Star. And in the opposite corner, you have Corey Hart.

Eat it Corey. 

Hump Day Heckler, the Musings of an Able Bodied Troubador.

Wednesday, September 10th, 2008

In the news as of late, you may have noticed a couple low-key signings by the Brewers. On September 5th the Crew inked Mike Lamb and today (September 10th) they claimed Todd Coffey off waivers, finally designating Laynce Nix for assignment. Apparently, rather than preparing for the post-season, or even winning games for that matter, Doug Melvin and Co. are more worried about hosting a delectable Thanksgiving feast. Who’s next? Goose Gossage? Catfish Hunter? Joe Morgan? Perhaps they will convince Rob Deer to return to moonlight on the bench, and make a deal to top it off with some Felix Pie? Honestly, if this was the plan all along, why didn’t they call up Callix (Felix) Crabbe, Rico Salmon, and Barry St. Jello? That would have been a party.

 I find it curious that they have made two roster moves within 10 days after the deadline passed for new additions to be allowed to play in the playoffs. What changed in 10 days? Were 131 games not enough for The Myth to see that Bill Hall eats chode nuggets?

 If I had one honest complaint about the way The Brewers are run, it would be their bullhead mentality. What is with Milwaukee management’s refusal to admit mistakes? Ned Yost was still sending out Gagne to pitch the 8th until a couple days ago. Prince Fielder is still hitting cleanup. And Wes Obermueller still doesn’t have his name on the walk of fame. I mean, come on. Perhaps Ari Fleischer will be spending a month in Milwaukee now that his stint in Green Bay is thru.

 I kid, but it is frustrating to watch the Brewers flounder in the twilight of the season. How many years can the “young team” malarkey be fed to us? I want results. I’ve wasted at least 2 hours of my life watching this game. And if I don’t see at least a Wild Card birth, I will hereby reduce my monies spent on jerseys and other memorabilia by up to 20% next year. Look inside your hearts fans, and ask yourself but one question: If the Brewers even made the playoffs, why should we believe they have the mental fortitude to make any noise? The lack of clutch hitting and fielding plague the team, the bullpen woes keep growing, and the management seems set on riding this year’s players to get us to the Promised Land. What does it hurt letting Gamel start a couple games at the hot corner? Start warming J.J. Hardy up at 2nd base, and let Escobar play short. It would at least be more entertaining than watching the weekly “junk” lineup that Yost inks.


Let’s hope for a better week. I know you are all probably as pissy as I am, so I offer you in lieu of a good post – a poem of sorts.

Brewer Time

 Go Da Brew Crew

You know dat I see you

When I at da bar

We will go far

Like in a car

The Brewers will pass

The Cubs in the race

For the 1st place

Cos’ they eat ace

And have a booger face.


-Johnny J. Rivers.







Poem is now available for purchase in the RFB store.

Hump Day Heckler: The Tribulations of an Able Bodied Fan.

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008

Happy Humper to all you tasty babies and brahs that read this banter. It is Wednesday, and if I am not mistaken - that means you are all RIV positive. Yep. Old J-Riv is back for a time. To appease the masses with another witty, charming, and witty sports blog. And unlike last week, it seems like my clip has the unlimited ammo cheat on. 

The focal point of this entry may rub some of you the wrong way. But understand, the criticizing comes from one of this situation’s heaviest of hearts. Prince Fielder. For what seemed like an eternity, I yearned to hark the crack of his bat against the horsehide. I sat thru sleepless nights perusing his stats, dreaming of the impact he could have. I called him a future HoF’er after his stint in the majors in 2005. In 2006, I bit on him way too fast for my keeper league, and he has been uppercutting taters for the “Dangerfrogs” ever since. But, a diet change, 2 bobble heads (with 100% likeness*), and a myriad of changing hairstyles later, he has fallen out of my favor. And his teamie Ryan Braun isn’t helping his case. He’s hotter, more hung..ry, and signed for 7. He says the right things, plays the right way, and with the move to LF - has virtually no holes in his game. Prince, Look at you now, you’ve lost your team, your fans, and your chance to star in the Time Warner Cable commercials next year. And this colossal collapse that surrounds you was, oddly enough, not incited by your big fat ass, but rather your big fat Boca biter. 

The Brewers reportedly approached you with an outline for a multi-year extension before Spring Training. Which seemingly you balked at, which isn’t shocking in factoring who you chose for representation. Scott Boras is adamant about his clients rejecting multi-year contracts that would buy out arbitration years. Ultimately it was your decision, and you chose to walk the path that will lead you to the most Benjamins. Which you’ve shown matters most to you. 

When the extension talks dissolved, it left the Brewers no other option, but to renew your contract. They renewed you for $670,000. Which made you the highest paid player for your level of Major League experience, aside from players who did sign multi-year deals. Your were vocal about your displeasure with the amount of money offered, and felt like you weren’t getting paid for the production you had the year prior. But, methinks thou should bite thy tongue. The Marlins renewed Hanley Ramirez for a paltry 439,000 after hitting .332, 29 HR, 81 RBI, plus tacking on 51 SB, and his reaction: “That’s OK. Whatever they think I deserve. I don’t care.” Hanley won ROY over you in ‘06, had an arguably better year in ‘07, fields the most difficult position far better than you pick at 1st,  while accepting his renewed contract with a smile. Hanley later signed a 6 year, $70 million dollar deal. Prince, you may outweigh Hanley in fatitude and pancake breats, but he mammoths you in skrill and class.

My parting shot, is reminding Prince Fielder that he is NOT Ryan Howard. He no doubt thinks he should be equally compensated, or perhaps paid more because of his favorable age. But, in your dreams, Princess. Howard was ROY, won a Home Run Derby, and has an MVP under his belt. Even in a down year, his stats slaughter yours. If you think Brewer fans cling to your .31 batting average advantage in exchange for 9 bombs and 34 RBI you are more stupid than you sound. I mean, when, you know, you are a like, hitting cleanup, and like, you got a runner on, you gotta, you know, take your pitches, and I mean, like, hit your spots to like, bring the runner home, for, you know, the team. Take some correspondence classes for Gado’s sake. If only you could hit baseballs like you hit your run-on sentences. I wouldn’t be so pissed at Prince’s production if he hadn’t opened up his veggie hole, but when professional athletes make a stink about the money they make, it really busts my balls. I have two graphs here for bases occupied for this year, #1 is Ryan Howard, #2 in Prince Fielder. Notice the amount Howard elevates his level of play with RISP or with Men On. His BA raises .100 points! If Prince wants to get paid like Howard, shouldn’t he have to play like Howard?













*Bobbles look nothing like Prince Fielder.

Hump Day Heckler(s) Double Teamed 2 Da Xtreme: A Story of Two Able-Bodied Hecklers

Wednesday, August 27th, 2008

In lieu of the winning streak, I don’t have much to complain about regarding the Brewers. Thus, Tyler and I have crossed streams to unleash a friendly fire amongst our own ranks. As avid Brewer game attendees, we’ve both noticed through the years, chiefly this one, that most people believe the price they paid on the ticket gives them the right to heckle terribly. As if.

Tyler: Sure – your left field loge seat may have helped pay a slight portion of Guillermo Mota’s meal per diem in Cincinnati back in April, but as one of 40,000 fans on any given night your ability to heckle is severely limited. So don’t abuse your miniscule opportunity to be heard by the likes of Nyjer Morgan. If you’re lame enough to heckle make sure to bring your A game.

A history lesson: Booing was invented by Thadius R. Weinstein in 1872, while he vocally murdered Opie McPhillips of the visiting Mankato Scarlet Knickers during a baseball match against his beloved Charleston Minority Disparragers. It became old and out-dated about an inning after its inception. You know that, “[elongated two syllable], [elongated two syllable], YOU SUCK!” chant that has plagued the mental health of many a right fielder? Well, that gem was coined in the roaring twenties to distract ballgame goers from the starvation brought on by the impending Great Depression. Even then, it huffed meat rocket like few other jeers that preceded it.

Johnny: It is arguable that the old heckles, as stale and sickening as they may be, outshine the new-fangled bro-esque attempts to punk opposing players. If I have to hear “What’s wrong with number 17 [He’s a bum]” one more time this year, I’m going to make it rain with my mookie stinks. When someone goes there right away in a game, it dimishes my own urge to waste my breath on my own contribution because the player who was exposed to the initial douchebaggery has likely already pegged the entire fanbase to be terribly trite and cliché.

What viable Major League athlete would pay any heed to yet another overdone heckle executed half-assed by John Goodman’s fat, drunk and ugly doppelganger? I venture to say even Milton Bradley wouldn’t bat an eyelash to such a weak earshot. Does it enhance anybody’s game day experience to see a fleece-wearing guy with a Juan Pierre-sized melon incessantly bellowing “Hermida has herpes!” when the alleged herpes carrier is sitting in the dugout, and actually named Hernandez?

Tyler: As a self-respecting human, I no longer heckle at games – but I plead that if others are to jeer the opposition, do your research. Even the most casual, mal-informed JS blog commentor fan can ballz up and take 20 minutes from their usual schedule of listening to CCR and mudding to log on to Wikipedia and look deeper into the enemy. For instance, did you know that Pirates shortstop Jack Wilson’s wife is a herm? Tis true, my friends. And Mets outfielder Fernando Tatis was declared legally dead in 1998.

Also when dutifully insulting for the good of some team that doesn’t know/care who you are, make sure to draw attention to yourself – and feel like the star of your section for an instant of your probably meaningless life – by tossing in poignant jeers about a competitor’s recently deceased child, or spouse’s extra-marital affair. After all, anyone who can be drafted on a fantasy roster must not be a real person, right?

Both: A closing thought - Corey Hart doesn’t always know how many outs there are, but when you ask him to tell you – he always knows the minimum amount of mouthbreathing nutsacks in your section. Sit down, shut your face, and watch the game unless you have something funny and original to contribute for the good of spectator brethren.

Heeeeeeecklers, Heeeeeeecklers – YOU SUCK!

Hump Day Heckler: An Able Bodied Blast TO the Past.

Wednesday, August 20th, 2008

First off, I would like to thank Jeff Cirillo for taking the time out of his schedule to do an interview with Right Field Bleachers. Thanks Rillo! It was a great read. I hope you will be around next year, inside the dugout. I know you have some more in the tank.

Last Friday, Tyler and I were watching the Brewer game against the Dodgers. As you probably know the offense was underwhelming and stifled by Chad Billingsley, not embarrassing…but it begged the question: Why is Counsell starting? Scratch that: Why is Craig Counsell starting so much? When the Brewers called up Russell “The Muscle” Branyan to form a soft platoon with struggling 3B Billy “William” Hall - I thought it made a lot of sense. But with Branyan on the DL, Yost has seemingly decided to keep the platoon in cycle replacing Branyan with middle infielder Craig Counsell. I am not the typical Ned Yost murderer, I actually like the guy. But, does he not see Counsell’s line?


83 191 21 43 10 1 1 12 3 1  2   8

32 .225 .327 .304 68

WTF? Somewhere Phil Garner is rolling in his grave about this waste of a “Power Position”. Bill Hall is hitting .169 against RHP with: 8 HR, 26 RBI and 67 K’s (219 AB). Counsell is hitting at a robust .228 clip against RHP with: 1 HR, 8 RBI and 28 K’s (171 AB). Are you kidding me? Mike Rivera has put up better numbers than Counsell in only 54 AB’s. I can’t speak for you fellow fans but I would do cartwheels to see a Billy Hall watching third strikes and trying to pull balls 6 inches outside all night, just to NOT watch Craig Counsell’s inevitable 4 weak groundouts to short. Maybe it is time CC does what his name suggests, join Cross Country.

I guess these thoughts made me wonder why the Brewers called up Laynce Nix rather than Brad Nelson. You’d think they would have waited to see if Braunie was headed for the DL before pulling the trigger on Nix, who has all but proven himself to be a AAAA ballplayer. Brad can play a decent 3B, has pop, and is a left handed bat. Who does Brad Nelson have to plow to get a call up? If Jay Gibbons gets the call in September over Nelson, I will feel pretty miffed. As should he. Could he be any worse of an option than Dillon? Then I started to think of past Septembers, with the brutal call-ups we’ve had to endure. No matter how thin our bench looks this year at times, can we not all sigh in relief to know that:

The memory of Trent Durrington’s celestial voice is indeed, just a memory. I no longer have to pretend having an ability put up a 10 SB season makes you a viable bench option.

Jeff Liefer will never be called up as an emergency DH. Liefer if you didn’t know, is the guy who got locked in a bathroom before a minor league game, delaying it for 20 minutes. He later was quoted saying “I don’t want to be remembered as the guy who got stuck in the bathroom”…Too late, choad juggler.

Chris Magruder…It is a proven fact that Chris Magruder is the only switch hitter in baseball history to always hit worse on which ever side of the plate he is on. His only strength in a L/R matchup is that if he wasn’t going against a righty, he was guaranteed not to make an out as a lefty.

I will leave some hacks for you to comment on. It is kind of fun looking at the 40 man in retrospect.

Have a good week, and Go Brewers

Insomniac Ink