Happy Humper to all you tasty babies and brahs that read this banter. It is Wednesday, and if I am not mistaken - that means you are all RIV positive. Yep. Old J-Riv is back for a time. To appease the masses with another witty, charming, and witty sports blog. And unlike last week, it seems like my clip has the unlimited ammo cheat on.Â
The focal point of this entry may rub some of you the wrong way. But understand, the criticizing comes from one of this situation’s heaviest of hearts. Prince Fielder. For what seemed like an eternity, I yearned to hark the crack of his bat against the horsehide. I sat thru sleepless nights perusing his stats, dreaming of the impact he could have. I called him a future HoF’er after his stint in the majors in 2005. In 2006, I bit on him way too fast for my keeper league, and he has been uppercutting taters for the “Dangerfrogs” ever since. But, a diet change, 2 bobble heads (with 100% likeness*), and a myriad of changing hairstyles later, he has fallen out of my favor. And his teamie Ryan Braun isn’t helping his case. He’s hotter, more hung..ry, and signed for 7. He says the right things, plays the right way, and with the move to LF - has virtually no holes in his game. Prince, Look at you now, you’ve lost your team, your fans, and your chance to star in the Time Warner Cable commercials next year. And this colossal collapse that surrounds you was, oddly enough, not incited by your big fat ass, but rather your big fat Boca biter.Â
The Brewers reportedly approached you with an outline for a multi-year extension before Spring Training. Which seemingly you balked at, which isn’t shocking in factoring who you chose for representation. Scott Boras is adamant about his clients rejecting multi-year contracts that would buy out arbitration years. Ultimately it was your decision, and you chose to walk the path that will lead you to the most Benjamins. Which you’ve shown matters most to you.Â
When the extension talks dissolved, it left the Brewers no other option, but to renew your contract. They renewed you for $670,000. Which made you the highest paid player for your level of Major League experience, aside from players who did sign multi-year deals. Your were vocal about your displeasure with the amount of money offered, and felt like you weren’t getting paid for the production you had the year prior. But, methinks thou should bite thy tongue. The Marlins renewed Hanley Ramirez for a paltry 439,000 after hitting .332, 29 HR, 81 RBI, plus tacking on 51 SB, and his reaction: “That’s OK. Whatever they think I deserve. I don’t care.” Hanley won ROY over you in ‘06, had an arguably better year in ‘07, fields the most difficult position far better than you pick at 1st, Â while accepting his renewed contract with a smile. Hanley later signed a 6 year, $70 million dollar deal. Prince, you may outweigh Hanley in fatitude and pancake breats, but he mammoths you in skrill and class.
My parting shot, is reminding Prince Fielder that he is NOT Ryan Howard. He no doubt thinks he should be equally compensated, or perhaps paid more because of his favorable age. But, in your dreams, Princess. Howard was ROY, won a Home Run Derby, and has an MVP under his belt. Even in a down year, his stats slaughter yours. If you think Brewer fans cling to your .31 batting average advantage in exchange for 9 bombs and 34 RBI you are more stupid than you sound. I mean, when, you know, you are a like, hitting cleanup, and like, you got a runner on, you gotta, you know, take your pitches, and I mean, like, hit your spots to like, bring the runner home, for, you know, the team. Take some correspondence classes for Gado’s sake. If only you could hit baseballs like you hit your run-on sentences. I wouldn’t be so pissed at Prince’s production if he hadn’t opened up his veggie hole, but when professional athletes make a stink about the money they make, it really busts my balls. I have two graphs here for bases occupied for this year, #1 is Ryan Howard, #2 in Prince Fielder. Notice the amount Howard elevates his level of play with RISP or with Men On. His BA raises .100 points! If Prince wants to get paid like Howard, shouldn’t he have to play like Howard?
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*Bobbles look nothing like Prince Fielder.