Archive for the ‘Former Brewers’ Category

Bill Hall Trips Up

Sunday, April 4th, 2010

Anyone watching the Opening Game on ESPN tonight with the BoSox against the Yankees should have noticed that Bill Hall did not start the year on the right foot and tripped during pregame introductions. Funny.

Strange to See…

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

I must admit, it’s strange to see Ben Sheets pitching in another team’s uniform. Then again, it’s strange seeing Ben Sheets actually pitching.

RFB archives will show that I haven’t always been the kindest to Milwaukee’s former ace, but I do wish him the best in 2010. And frankly, Sheets signing with a non-contending team that plays in an equally small market AND in a different league makes it that much easier to root for him.

So for God’s sake, win 20 games, Big Ben! It’ll put the A’s 22-140 on the season… but will still put a smile on my face. Earn that $10 M salary in the — likely — 90 innings you’ll pitch. Teach your “mechanics” to players that will (hopefully) one day be traded to Milwaukee at the deadline.

I’ll hold to the claim that I’m glad Ben Sheets isn’t a part of the Brewers this season. However, seeing him wearing new colors, surprisingly, feels a bit odd to me.

But best of luck Ben… but not the kind of luck that will bring you to an actual contender in 2011, yet luck nonetheless.

And if he happens to take public transit, I hope he doesn’t encounter this guy.

A Letter from Ben Sheets’ Ugly Swing

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

Hi Brewer fans,

Well, as you know, me and the Sheeter are heading to M.C. Hammer’s old stomping ground. Big ol’ Ben actually made $10 Million from the Moneyball guys! Yeah, I can’t believe it either. Anywho, you may have noticed Benny wasn’t that interested in coming back to Milwaukee. First, you have to be fair, Milwaukee wasn’t that interested in him either, but I’m here to set the record straight. Ben Sheets really wanted to go to the AL. Yep. The teams that kept coming up in rumors we’re mostly AL teams: Rangers, Boston, and Oakland. The Mets and Dodgers were interested and have good pitching stadiums, but we barely listened to them. Would you like to know why he wanted to go to the AL with the DH? It’s because of me! His ugly ass swing!

You see, Benny and I know this might be his last shot to prove he’s an ace. He doesn’t want to do anything to jeopardize that, which means not using me. You remember me…wild, unruly, scary, horrid, wretched, laughable, etc… You also know that Ben Sheets gets hurt in the most unlikely of ways. I could have really hurt Ben’s arm…elbow…shoulder…head…spine…kneecap…ACL…MCL…hamstring…ankle…and foot. Not to mention, any crazy pitch could end his career (and with the Rockies and Diamondbacks looking at Turnbow, the chance was there). Now Ben doesn’t have to worry about using me or my kid brother, the bunt. This takes out a big, unnecessary risk for Ben’s return to baseball.

So as you can see, Ben meant no ill-will. He honestly enjoyed his time as a Brewer, but you weren’t interested in him and he wasn’t interested in the NL. You can feel free to blame me!

Sincerely,
Ben Sheets’ Ugly Swing

Loading up on Lefties?

Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

Yahoo Sports reports that Dougie Davis is coming back to Milwaukee for about $4-5 Million. Ladies are already prepping themselves for the return of the “anchor” in Milwaukee.

I'm Coming Back?!?

Maybe we can trade him again for a fat, slow catcher again.

According to multiple sources on the web, Ben Sheets looked good in his “open audition”. He hit 90 on the gun and threw a solid Ben Sheets’ Curveball. Since many teams reportedly have interest in the righty, coupled with the Brewers lack of any actual interest, it seems Sheeter will definitely find a new place to call home. Will he get his crazyazz $12 Mil/Per? No. Even Maddux and the Rangers were scared off by his asking price, so I’m guessing there will be a rich and pitching strapped team who will bow down to his minimum of $6-8 Million.

See...my arm bone is connected to my shoulder bone

Finally, if Mahk Moda also signs, there will be 4 lefties competing for the starting rotation. Awesome.

Boston Brewers?

Wednesday, January 13th, 2010

If Boston wins this upcoming year, as a Brewer fan, I would be pissed. The BoSox have three former Brewers: Mike Cameron, Bill Hall, and now Brian Shouse. Here’s hoping Boston resurrects the career of Gabe Gross. Perhaps Geoff Jenkins is a better fit. Why not go after Felipe Lopez too?

The Anti-All-Decade Team

Sunday, January 3rd, 2010

Ask and you shall receive. Here are the worst players from the past decade. They are divided into four groups:

Little Suckers (top prospects who never panned out and did so in epic fashion), Wad Blowers (players who the Brewers spent a lot of money on…well a lot for the Brewers),Deadline Douchebags (players the Brewers got in trades and then would have preferred not to…not necessarily acquired at the deadline, I just wanted to use the word “douchebag”) and Gone Before Long (players who haven’t been heard of since sucking with the Brewers)

Little Suckers

1) Ben Hendrickson - P - A highly touted pitching prospect who did nothing but help coin the term “AAAA Player”. Telling  stat = 50 runs given up in 58.1 innings

2) Jorge de la Rosa - P - Another pitcher who was supposed to be excellent turned into a head case and barely made a serviceable reliever. He was traded for Tony Graffanino…ouch. Telling stat=6.23 ERA

3) Nick Neugebauer - P  - Nick was drafted out of high school and by 2002 was the 17th ranked prospect in all of MLB and the Brewers top prospect overall. He’s a pitcher, so are you sensing a trend? He was soon out of baseball after surgery in 2002. Telling stat = 2-8

4) Dave Krynzel - OF - Before there was TGJ, there was Dave Krynzel. He was the Brewers first round pick in 2000. He was a speedy outfielder who was projected to be a leadoff hitter. Never happened. Telling Stat = .188 BA.

Wad Blowers

1) Jeffrey Hammonds - OF - 3 Years, 21 Million in 2001 after his All-Star appearance in 2000. Hammonds was often hurt and could barely crack the starting lineup. Telling stat = .248 Batting Average for the Brewers

2) Jose Hernandez - 3B - 3 Years, 10 Million in 2000. He was the default Brewers All-Star in 2002, but that was also the year he was sat down 4 out of the last 5 games so that he wouldn’t break the MLB All-Time Strikeout in a Season Record. Telling stat = Struck out 498 times in 3 years which meant he struck out about once every three at bats.

3) Wes Helms - 3B - 2 Years, 4.5 Million in 2004. Helms was traded for Ray King and had a decent first season in Milwaukee. Problem is that season was 2003 when the Brewers drew the 3rd least amount of people into Miller Park in the NL that season. The fans that did see him knew he was slow, but it seemed that Melvin loved that rocket arm at third. Helms turned into the teams most expensive bench player after signing. Wes Helms wonders why the Brewers fans have such hatred for him and it’s for this reason: he is the exact fact of everything that went wrong with the team; Fat underacheivers who don’t seem to work on getting any better. Telling Stat = 23 HR’s in 2003. 8 HR’s total after signing the contract.

4) Eric Gagne - P - 1 year, 10 million in 2008. Gagne was brought in to be the closer of a team that just lost CoCo Cordero. He had a shaky time in Texas and Boston, but was the All-Time Saves in a Season record holder. By May, he lost his job to Salomon Torres and was the biggest blight on the 2008 season. Telling stat = Blew 41% of Saves.

5) Jeff Suppan - P - 4 Years, 42 Million in 2006. Oh we were so happy when Suppan was our Christmas present in 2006, but Suppan has been getting worse every year since. In fact, it was Jeff Suppan who started the last playoff game for the Brewers and surrendered 5 runs in 3 innings. Telling stat = 1.76 career ERA in Miller Park before signing. 4.29 career ERA in Miller Park now.

6) Bill Hall - IF - 4 year, 24 million in 2007. Man it hurts to put Hall here, because I really like the guy. He was great at short before JJ came around and he was great at third until the Brewers moved him to the outfield. Once he was moved to the outfield and given a big contract, it was game over for all. I guess Bill Hall from 2002-2006 goes into the All-Decade team and the 2007-2009 Bill Hall goes here. Telling Stat = 35 HR in 2006. 35 Total HR for Brewers from 2007-2009.

7) David Riske - P - 3 year, 13 million - I had high hopes for this guy who supposedly helped  Kansas City’s young Zach Greinke. The fact is, he hasn’t been healthy and has been a waste of money. Telling Stat = +2.21 - Difference in ERA for Riske between his time in the AL (3.40) and his time with the Brewers (5.61).

Deadline Douchebags

1) Chad Moeller - C - Part of the Sexson deal, Momo was just a poor hitting catcher but decent defensively. By decent, I mean he could block a Ben Sheets curveball. He will forever live in Milwaukee, though, because of his 2004 cycle.

2) Jose Capellan - P - Traded in the Kolb trade. Kolb was coming off of an All-Star year, but the Brewers traded him for fireballing Jose Capellan. I remember Ned Yost telling the fans how excited he was and how this kid will be an ace. By ace, he meant pain in the ass. Capellan pitched poorly and was rarely, if ever, able to dial it over 94. He whined about his status and was traded away to Detroit.

3) Scott Linebrink - P - Traded for minor league pitchers that the Brewers would like back. Linebrink was brought in to help the Brewers 2007 postseason run. He crushed it. Even though his final line with the Brewers doesn’t seem so bad, I remember the week plus stretch in August where he went 0-3 with a blown save and an 11+ ERA. The Brewers were out of it by September.

Gone Before Long

There are a ton of these guys so I’ll just blurb the rest of the way. Remember that they either were never really seen from again or were on the team for not very long. Or both.

1) Ruben Quevedo - P - I remember when a broadcaster said that they can’t tell the difference between his fastball and his changeup. Ouch. Fits into the Brewers starter with a 5+ ERA club. Quevedo is without a doubt my least favorite/most hated Brewer of all time.

2) Gary Glover - P - Another mediocre starter plugged in to fill gaps. Fits into the Brewers starter with a 5+ ERA club.

3) Wes Obermueller - P - There was a reason everyone loved Wes. I can’t remember what it was because his pitching stats were awful. Fits into the Brewers starter with a 5+ ERA club.

4) Wayne Franklin - P - Gave up the most home runs in a season (before Braden Looper got him off the hook)Fits into the Brewers starter with a 5+ ERA club.

5) Matt Kinney - P - Terrible pitcher during a terrible stretch of Brewers history. Fits into the Brewers starter with a 5+ ERA club.

6) John Vander Wal - OF - Fits into the “He was a starter for the Brewers?” Category.

7) Victor Santos - P - 4-13 season. Ouch.

8) Chris Magruder - OF - Backup outfielder who, in comparison, makes Jody Gerut look awesome.

9) Greg Aquino - P - Was around for 15 games in 2007. Gave up two huge home runs. Boom, outta here.

10) Elmer Dessens - P - We toasted Dos Equis for this pitcher on opening day in 2007, who was sent packing after 12 games.

11) Valerio de los Santos - P - Tyler told me that his 4 names were more than any single season win total he had as a Brewer. Seems about right.

Others that were also bad:

Royce Clayton (SS), Johnny Estrada (C) ( Who Tyler believes is still legging out his last grounder of 2007…haha), Ben Greive (OF), Paul Bako (C), and Henry Blanco (C).

The All-Decade Team

Sunday, December 27th, 2009

Happy Holidays everyone! Since we are on the cusp of a new decade, I decided to put out the Milwaukee Brewers All-Decade team! This was quite an up and down decade for the Crew. We saw the end of our beloved Milwaukee County Stadium, but enjoyed the beauty that is Miller Park. We saw the worst of the worst (3 straight years of finishing last in the NL Central including a 100 loss season) and something we hadn’t seen in over 20 years: Playoffs.  We saw managers change (Lopes, Royster, Yost, Sveum, and Macha). We saw fan favorites come and go. We saw the rise of baseball in HD and a rise in Brewers payroll. Yes, it was quite a roller coaster being a Brewer fan in the 00’s. To look back on the decade that was, Here’s my 25-man All-Decade Roster.

Starters

C - The list of Brewers’ catchers from this decade reads like a sick joke: Bennett, Estrada, Bako, Moeller. It was hard to pick, but Damian Miller is my catcher of the decade. In ‘05 and ‘06, he was a solid catcher both offensively and defensively and had a lackluster ‘07 because of the amazingly underwhelming Johnny Estrada.

1B - Prince Fielder - It’s only been since ‘06 that the Brewers have had Fielder as their starting first baseman, but he’s only gotten better over time. He’s even had 2 seasons with over 40 HR’s. He’s been the leader of this team and has shown maturity beyond his years. He even improved his defense!

2B - Ron Belliard - We started off the decade with Belliard at second. He hit alright, but was great at the double play. He was part of turning 129 double plays in 2000.

3B -Ryan Braun - I don’t care how bad his defense was. I don’t care that he’s an outfielder more than a third baseman. He was the best third baseman the Brewers have and I’m putting him here dammit. What else can you say about Ryan Braun? He’s a stud. He does it all. He hits for power and average. He’s the Hebrew Hammer. He likes really ugly MMA shirts. He’s cocky, but says the right things almost all the time. The best thing you can say about him: He’ll be a Brewer far into this next decade!

SS - JJ Hardy - This JJ brought all the ladies to the yard, but behind his female appeal was a great defensive shortstop with a lot of pop in his bat. He made the All-Star team in 2007. His fire continued in 2008 with over 20 home runs again (which is great for a shortstop).

OF - Carlos Lee - We put up with his lazy outfield because you could count on 100 RBI’s. Before Prince was ready for Prime Time, there was Carlos Lee. Even though the Crew only had him for 1 3/4 years, he delivered over 60 home runs and almost 200 RBI’s.

OF - Geoff Jenkins - Roaming the outfield until 2007, Geoff hit 182 home runs and 71 Outfield Assists for the Brewers this decade. Jenks was also voted into the All-Star game in 2004 by the Brewers fans! He ended up having a stellar year that year hitting .296 with 28 HR’s.

OF - Scott Podsednik - Milwaukee’s ROY runner up was the beginning of the resurgence of interest in the Brewers. While he really only had one good year with the Brewers (and only two overall), he set a Brewers record for most SB’s in a year.

Bench

1B - Richie Sexson - While I have never been the biggest fan of Sexson because he would choke under pressure, his numbers as a Brewer don’t lie. He hit 133 home runs in a Brewer, including two seasons with 45 (2001 and 2003). He was  a two time All-Star and was involved in an amazing trade for the Brewers.

1B - Lyle Overbay - OK, so I have three first basemen. The Big O was a doubles machine after coming over in the Sexson trade and bridged the gap perfectly between Sexson and Fielder.

OF - Brady Clark - Most people laugh about Brady, but he was a solid member of the Brewers outfield for 4 years this decade. He hit an average of .283 and was a big part of 2005’s .500 year (which people forget was a big deal at the time)

INF - Mark Loretta - Mark had a really strong run in Milwaukee to start his career. And while most of his career was played in the previous decade, he still played for 2 3/4 of this one. Always one you could count on to get on base,  Mark never had more than 60 strikeouts in a season.

OF - Corey Hart - Hart made his debut in 2004, but didn’t recieve the role of everyday starter until 2007. His speed and his bat make him a dynamic player even though his head has gotten in the way.

C - I guess you need two catchers on a 25 man roster so I pick Jason Kendall. I know there are a lot of fans who hate Kendall (such a strong feeling), but many of those fans don’t remember most of the catchers from this past decade. We didn’t have a Surhoff or a Nilsson. And I wouldn’t mind having a Jason Kendall who busts his ass every day on my team….problem is if this was real, he wouldn’t let me put him on the bench.

Pitchers

SP - Ben Sheets - Ben’s entire MLB career started in 2001 even though it seems like he’s been around for longer. In 2004, he was a finalist for the Cy Young and threw over 1200 K’s this decade. I won’t ever forget the day Jared and I saw Sheeter the night after he threw 18 K’s at a Bucks game (Jenkins had front row and Sheeter was sitting 8 rows back by us). He’s Milwaukee’s first legit ace since Higuera and I’d like to see him back in Brewer Blue.

SP - Doug Davis -Doug Davis isn’t flashy. He isn’t dominant. He isn’t fan friendly. He’s just there. And for 3+ years, he was the team’s dependable workhorse. Doug is the reason most Brewer fans check quality starts because 70% of his 2004 starts were quality, although he just won half.

SP - Chris Capuano - Yet another part of the Richie Sexson trade, Cappie was an All-Star in 2005. What people remember most about Capuano was his insane pick-off move which prompted umpires re-check their rule books about balks. He’s the final part of the MM3 (See Kolb)

SP - Yovani Gallardo - This young star in the making was better than expected in ‘09.  He also was helpful down the playoff stretch in ‘08 (even though a freak accident derailed almost all of that season). I’m excited to see how Yo matures in this next decade.

SP - C.C. Sabathia - Sure he grabbed the cash and left, but before he did, he gave Milwaukee a hero they have not seen in a long time. C.C. delivered the team the playoffs and for that, he will never be forgotten. We were able to see what C.C. would have been like in the playoffs had he not been used up, but most people would agree that the Brewers would have never gotten to the playoffs had he been used more sparingly.

RP - Dan Kolb - There are a group of pitchers I like to call the Mike Maddux Three. These pitchers had their highest levels of success under his tutelage and most came out of nowhere to become All-Stars, then fizzle away. The first of those three is Dan Kolb. Dan was all sorts of mediocre until in 2003 when he had an ERA of 1.99 and saved 21 games. The next year he saved 39 and became an All-Star. The following year, he was traded for Jose Capellan which was a move that benefited NO ONE.

RP -Derrick Turnbow - Turnbow is another member of the MM3. A fireballer picked off of waivers, Turnbow was known as the “Wild Thing”. He had wild hair and a wild streak, but his fastball could touch three digits. This streak caught up with him, but not before he was named to the All-Star game. Sadly, his bobblehead ended his career.

RP - Francisco Cordero - Another in the streak of Brewers All-Star Relievers, Cordero was a name on the Carlos Lee trade that quickly became so valuable, people forgot how bad Kevin Mench was. CoCo came in to Click, Click, Boom and saved 44 games with a 2.98 ERA. He was lost to Cincinatti because they offered him a couple extra million the following year.

RP - Brian Shouse - Lefty specialists are in high demand nowadays and the Brewers had a great one in Brian Shouse. When he was picked up, most people said “Who?”, but this lefty had 2+ strong years in Milwaukee and had a cult following.

RP - Trevor Hoffman - OK, so he only had one year in Milwaukee, but you would agree it was a great one, right? He exceeded expectations and was a highlight in a disappointing ‘09 effort. Plus he was the capper on a decade that saw 6 Brewers pitchers become All-Stars.

RP - I have one more reliever spot and it’s hard to give it to just one person because there were so many players that were similar. They weren’t great, but they were who the Brewers had so my last reliever is Matts DeSkanick. That’s right. A hybrid of Matt Wise, Mike DeJean, Curtis Leskanic, and Brooks Kieschnick. They were all middle of the road relievers, but were necessary or had a small following of fans at the time. (If Jared or Tyler could make a photoshop of this, that would be awesome)

Manager - Ned Yost - Love him or hate him, he’s the man that took the Brewers from awful to competitive.

There you have it! Feel free to post your own! I know we’re all looking forward to another up and down decade of Brewer baseball. I hoped to do a Brewer of the Decade Vote in lieu of a fan favorite vote, but we’ll see if the site is around long enough for that.

Requiem for a Vinny: An Epilogue to Greatness

Tuesday, August 4th, 2009

Birth of Vinny

Last week’s acquisition of Claudio Vargas was one met with a collective mouth fart from the Brewers faithful. That trade alone signaled the conclusion of Milwaukee’s pursuit of a top of the rotation pitcher and, to some, the front office’s surrender of the 2009 season. But to one fan, Friday’s Vargas for Vinny Rottino trade signified something entirely different – the end of an era.

I’ve made no secret of my, at times strange, but entirely heterosexual adoration of the Racine native on this site. Sure, I knew a 29-year-old career .208 hitter who proved himself equally ineffective at eight positions was no hero, but he was someone to pull for. For residents of a state that considers actions like breathing deeply and standing for short periods of time to be sports, the hometown kid turned 2004 Brewers minor leaguer of the year was a figure to look up to, a man to unfairly pressure our unborn sons into one day becoming, a less talented Eric Hinske.

I’d been heavily drinking the tart and unforgiving ambrosia of Rottino backing since 2006. For me, it’s been an interesting experience harboring an unhealthy interest in the career of a marginal semi-pro athlete, one wrought in its ups like his first Major League hit and the downs like his demotion to Huntsville earlier this season. But more than anything, the steady middle of lingering in Nashville, waiting tirelessly for the next promised opportunity to be delivered, and ultimately being passed over once again.

In hearing of the news of his trade, I launched into the seven stages of grief. I can only now bring myself to reveal my thoughts on that fateful day.

Stage 1: Shock and Denial
Rottino!?! No… no, that couldn’t be right. I’m sure Anthony Witrado had something to do with this report. Yeah, that’s it. Witrado.

Stage 2: Pain and Guilt
Oh Christ, the ticker is right. This hurts so much! Not only do I have to deal with the new fact Claudio Vargas is one of Milwaukee’s better pitchers now, that choad coming to town means Vinny will never be a full-time Brewers player. I should have cherished his time here. I was too busy paying off crippling student loan debt and having regular social interaction to purchase a DVR and subsequently save each of his 24 sporadic at bats… and now he’s gone. 

Stage 3: Anger and Bargaining
Seriously, Doug? You finna play me like that?!? Oh never mind, I forgot Vargas was totally awesome the last time he was a Brewer. Wasn’t Johnny Estrada part of your last trade involving Vargas coming to MKE? He was cool too. Hustled, didn’t look legally dead behind the plate… great move. Doug Davis and Dana Eveland were so worth that prize package.

Why me? Is it not enough that I bear a slight resemblance to a less hot “Booger” from Revenge of the Nerds and have larger than average lips? Haven’t I been through enough? If Rottino comes back to Milwaukee, I promise I’ll never attempt to organize a stupid photo contest only two people participate in. I SWEAR IT!

Stage 4: “Depression”, Reflection, Loneliness
People don’t seem to care about this as much as I do. Some people are even making jokes about the trade. I agree, the Vargas part is really funny… but I still miss Vinny. Man, I really used to like the guy. Shit, I even personalized a Rottino shirt jersey once. Sure, it was using a MLB.com gift certificate, I didn’t want anything else and I mostly did it to be funny, but there was something about that shirt that just felt right; perhaps it was the 10% Rayon blend, but maybe it was the name on the back - though it probably was the 10% Rayon blend.

Stage 5: The Upward Turn
Wait a second, Vinny was languishing in double-A and posting a sub-.250 AVG there before the trade. Maybe he’s not the answer. Actually, I won’t ponder this right now. I just remembered Internet porn, binge drinking and Thai food still exist. No time to cry.

Stage 6: Reconstruction and Working Through
Maybe I don’t need to maintain a semi-serious admiration for a fledgling aged prospect. He had some good moments in the Brewers system, the fact he worked his way up from unsigned free agent to three-time September call-up proves that. Maybe I could start looking for another longshot player to base my pathetic existence around. Maybe I’ll cut up a Rottino card and use it to make soap. Out of respect.

Better times

Stage 7: Acceptance and Hope
I’m now at peace. Vinny wasn’t in the Brewers’ long-term plans (apart from previous six-year dickaround in the minors). The fact he was traded one for one to nab a player who will serve Milwaukee on the big league level is a pretty nice parting shot - even if that  player kind of sucks turds. Though technically a Dodger, Vinny Rottino will always remain a Brewer - especially when he accepts a minor league coaching job in the Brewers system within the next two seasons. I hope that happens. 

Goodbye Vinny and best of luck, until you return.

Sheets Saddling up in Arlington?

Saturday, May 16th, 2009

Hey Benson! This here disabled list ain't bigga nuff fer the botha us.

As Ben Sheets continues to recover from his most recent surgery that Milwaukee paid for, reports of Sheets sightings around Rangers facilities and rumors of what that might indicate are flowing on to baseball blogs as rapidly as menstrual blood flowed out of Big Ben’s tender and constantly sandy vagina for most of his Brewers tenure.

If it wasn’t extrmemly obvious when Doug Melvin was saying Milwaukee wouldn’t sign him, when an injured Sheets declined arbitration or when he basically signed with Texas until his injury was discovered - set this shit in stone now. Ben Sheets will probably be a Ranger.

Hope and pray and reference loyalty all you want, but I just don’t see Benjamin and Milwaukee meeting up. And it’s for the better. The best, most logical and smartest thing to do when your favorite team’s default ace of the past two presidential terms decides to limp out of town a much fatter and better rested specimen than when he arrived is to take a deep breath and simply let it go.

I know, I know - it sounds hard to think about seeing him biting those nails in another team’s dugout, in another team’s uniform… but trust me, it’ll be OK. Even without Texas’ first rounder in Milwaukee’s hands for compensation, we’ll all survive this.

For example, do you remember how in “Better off Dead,” Lane Meyer’s fine ass ex girlfriend Beth left him for Roy because Roy was better at skiing? Moreover, do you recall the way Lane moped around all depressed while Roy and Roy’s Ski Buddy #1 always rubbed in the loss of said hot snizz?

Did Lane just take it and give up? DID HE? Well, yeah, he tried to kill himself a few times and had Van Halen-inspired claymation fantasies… but eventually he picked himself up, dusted himself off and moved on with his life. By appreciating what he had in his grasp in the present instead of pathetically clinging to the past, he was able to 1. Rebuild an old car with relatively no mechanical know-how, 2. Finally beat those Asian guys in a race, 3. Ski the muthafuckin’ K-12 on ONE ski and 4. Get Beth to totally want him back. Most importantly, he forged a beautiful and powerful bond with that French exchange student Monique. And you know what? He probably banged her right there at the base of the K-12 while everyone cheered as the credits were rolling.

Think about it. Realize it and get a head start on not caring about it (the way I have) for when the bored TV analysts are in need of AL West show fodder. You’ll be better off… just as the Brewer are.

Continue moving on with your life as if he’d never been in it. After all, he was usually only there half of each season anyway.

Brett Lawrie’s Sister Has a Mean Hook

Thursday, May 7th, 2009

You mess with Brett Lawrie, you answer to his sister, Danielle, a pitcher for the University of Washington softball team and a previous member of Canada’s Olympic softball team.

Here’s an excerpt from a Seattle Times article on Danielle Lawrie:

First, you should hear about The Punch. To understand the competitive ferocity that makes Danielle Lawrie a nearly unhittable pitcher, go back to when she was 9 years old and protecting her little brother, Brett.

At the community pool one day, Brett swam toward his sister, crying, complaining that some boys were pestering him. Danielle asked who, Brett pointed to the ring leader, and she walked over to her brother’s tormentor and punched him in the face. All swimmers had to clear the pool because of the blood.

“It’s great you’re sticking up for your brother,” her father told her that day, “but we need to talk about how to channel your emotions.”

Thirteen years later, Danielle laughs at the memory, bats her blue eyes and says, “Don’t worry. I haven’t punched anyone since, and I don’t plan on it.”

Her brother doesn’t need the help anymore. He’s a 6-foot, 200-pound catcher whom new Mariners general manager Jack Zduriencik drafted in the first round for the Milwaukee Brewers a year ago.

OK, so it was a few years ago… I still wouldn’t mess with him.

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